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families learn to cope when loved ones die by suicide

Story and photos by LIZ QUIRIN
Messenger editor

When his wife asked Kevin Smith what he wanted for Christmas, without thinking, he said: “I want my sister to come into town and meet my son.”

Smith will never have the opportunity to introduce his son to his sister, Karla. She died by suicide in January 2003.
Suicide: Never painless, it changes the lives of a person’s family and friends forever. A person contemplating suicide does not know the anguish, grief and overwhelming sense of loss these people who care for him or her experience.

After Karla Smith’s death, her parents, Tom and Fran, and her brother, Kevin, founded the Karla Smith Foundation, to reach out to other families and friends of those who have died, and continue to die, by suicide. They offer support to families and friends of those suffering from mental illness as well as those who have died by suicide.

At a recent Thursday evening support meeting, the chairs around the table were full, as they are at almost every session.

All had lost a loved one to suicide — a son, a brother, a fiance, a grandson or granddaughter — and all see the holidays looming as a time when the loss comes into sharper focus because their loved one will not be here to share their joy.

Many remain in shock over what happened. One young woman said she was angry with her fiance for months. The couple had worked through so many problems and solved them, she said. “Why couldn’t he tell me about this? Why couldn’t we work this out?”

A part of the support group meeting is devoted to naming the feelings associated with loss. The Smiths developed a list of emotions that can accompany the grief of suicide survivors.

Many of those gathered around the table expressed frustration: at why a loved one decided to take his or her life and at all the other unanswered questions surrounding the death.

Survivors share their feelings of isolation, depression, guilt or shame and loneliness as they sort through their “new” lives without a loved one.

Fran Smith, a licensed counselor, said: “When this happens to you, you’re almost convinced you’re the only one, but then you find people all over who have been affected” in some way by this kind of loss.

Tears flow during the meeting as a parent or loved one talks about the challenges of living, sometimes hour by hour.
At church, “I still light a candle for him and a candle for us,” one mother said. “I say a prayer for him and for us.”

The inability to focus, the lack of energy, the disinterest in food or friends or just about anything having to do with daily living, stalks the families for days, weeks, maybe even months after the funeral.
“It’s like being run over by a freight train,” one woman said.

Even in the face of these completely unacceptable circumstances, Fran Smith said these emotions are normal.
“To make these adjustments, we have to be kind to ourselves,” she said. “Maybe because of our intense desire to have them back,” we find it difficult to accept they are really gone. “The finality of death — that’s what we’re adjusting to.”

An ingredient of the loss from a suicide is the guilt that perhaps family members or friends feel, thinking maybe they could have prevented it. “Suicide guilt is different,” Fran Smith said. “You’re dealing with such shock, guilt and shame.”
One mother feels guilty because she wasn’t home the weekend her son died by suicide. Another wonders if she had just gone to her son’s apartment that night, she might have prevented it.

Often, that is not the case, experts say. If someone has a plan — has thought out how to end his or her life — a family member or loved one may be able to stop the person at that moment but not in the long term.

“If someone has made up his or her mind to end life, he or she probably won’t do it that day if you’re there, but they will do it,” Fran Smith said.

All of the “if onlys” can torment family and friends and keep them from dealing with the reality they face: The person who died by suicide is not coming back, and nobody can change what happened. The only person who can be changed is the one still here, dealing with the loss, the grief, the guilt and all of the emotions that churn inside and surface at different times along the way.

One woman said she couldn’t seem to focus when she returned to work. “Normal,” the Smiths said.
Another person said she was disappointed and felt isolated when people no longer asked about the person who had died. Again, “normal,” the Smiths said.

So many emotions must be recognized, admitted, examined and handled by a person grieving as a survivor of a death by suicide. And, dealing with these emotions may recur over and over again.

“It’s not something you ‘get over’ and then just go on,” Tom Smith said. “Grief takes up all your space, and there’s no room for anything else.”

The Smiths said many “triggers” can plunge a person back into deep grief as if the incident just occurred. Anniversaries of the person’s death, certain places, the holidays — it can be any number of things.
One mother expressed her grief at the approaching anniversary of her son’s death as “such loneliness.”

On the anniversary of the person’s death or at holiday time, the Smiths recommend having a plan for that day.
On one anniversary of Karla’s death, the Smith family and friends attended a liturgy together and went to brunch. It gave them something to look forward to rather than just knowing this was the day she died, they said.

This kind of grief can’t be shared with everybody, the Smiths said. That’s why having a support group becomes doubly important. Everyone seated at the table that evening knew the kind of loss the others suffered.

A grandmother who lost her husband a number of years ago said she experienced loss then, “but nothing like this.”
Many people who die by suicide have a history of issues, are often depressed or have other emotional or psychological problems or are fighting an addiction to drugs or alcohol.

In other words, deciding to take their life is generally not a spur of the moment decision although some traumatic incident can precipitate the actual event, according to sources.

Sometimes, family members miss a critical clue because their loved one “seems better,” or “less depressed,” or finally “at peace,” the Smiths said.

“People sound okay (sometimes) because they’ve made their decision,” and they have a plan, the Smiths said.
That “plan” may include giving away their possessions or saying good-bye to people they love. However, it may not include anything that a loved one or family member can see, even in retrospect. Every person is different.
The bottom line: Surviving a death by suicide “is complicated,” the Smiths said, and extremely painful.

For more information, or dates and times of support group meetings or other activities, please go to www.karlasmithfoundation.org. The Smiths also recommend the web site for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention for information at www.afsp.org.