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families rely on faith to deal with death by suicide

Story and photos by LIZ QUIRIN
Messenger editor

Faith plays a pivotal role in the lives of family members and friends of those who die by suicide.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that if I didn’t have faith, I couldn’t get through this,” the mother of a recent suicide victim said.

She wasn’t at home when her son died, but her pastor, Father Joe Rascher, went immediately to her home to be with her husband.

Later that day, he called the mother to offer words of comfort. “He was very reassuring and said that my son was with God.”

“The most important thing I do,” Father Rascher said, “is just listen, hug and cry with and assure those who remain, that God will give us all the help to get through this.”
Father Rascher also referred the family to Oblate Father Ron Rolheiser who writes a column every year in diocesan newspapers about suicide.

In a recent telephone interview with The Messenger, Father Rolheiser said he was profoundly moved as a child by the suicides of neighbors in his native Canada, and later as a young priest he remembers trying to “console a family” dealing with a death by suicide.

Looking to church literature, he found little written on the subject of suicide.
It’s not that the church doesn’t care, he said, but little has been developed on the topic. “The church wasn’t saying anything.”

For Father Rolheiser and many others this was “something left unresolved,” and “people want it addressed.”
Ten years ago, he said, he made a resolution to write on the topic once a year in July.

“There’s not a single week in the last 10 years that I don’t hear from somebody affected by suicide,” he said.
Father Rolheiser said, most important for people to realize is: “In most cases, it’s a disease and not an act of will,” much the same way someone dies as a result of a heart attack or stroke.

Many times, he pointed out, the person who takes his or her own life is “very sensitive,” and for whatever reason, can no longer find a way to live in this world.

Second, “we have to trust in God’s mercy,” he said.
No one knows at what point that person is folded into God’s love and mercy.
Loved ones who must cope with this death should “not be second-guessing.” Part of the disease dictates that person will pick a time and place when their loved ones are not there to end their lives.
“It’s not you; it’s them,” Father Rolheiser said.

Father Rolheiser said, “We need to turn to faith, but we can’t do it cheaply, and we can’t do it quickly.”
He described working with someone whose loved one died by suicide three years ago.

Moving towards a place where family members can cope with the disease and the destruction it has caused, does not happen on any schedule. It can take a very long time.

Nobody ever “gets over it.” People just learn to live with it, and “words of faith will make sense eventually.”
Support groups, family and friends can ease the daily struggle, but each person must make the journey alone to find a place where it is at least comfortable to live for awhile.

Remember, “faith moves mountains but not necessarily today,” he said.

For more information about Father Rolheiser’s columns, please go to www.ronrolheiser.org or for his columns on spirituality, please see every issue of The Messenger.