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families live one day at a time with mental illness

Story by LIZ QUIRIN
Messenger editor

When the hospital sends a mother home with a newborn baby, she expects life to change, but no one can prepare a family for the roller coaster ride in store for those who must learn to live with a child with mental illness.

Mary and Joseph (not their real names) learned first hand what it means to live on the edge of frustration, pain and sorrow when their daughter, Anne, was diagnosed with depression.

Mary’s suspicions about real problems began when Anne was barely into her teens. At first, knowing teenagers can be difficult, the behavior was attributed to her age, but when Anne’s parents became “the problem,” and communication became impossible, Mary resorted to “mother tactics,” reading notes she could find in Anne’s room. That’s when she discovered her daughter wanted to kill herself.

“It was terrifying,” Mary said.

Counselors didn’t believe Anne had a problem, even when Mary insisted she did. After sending a copy of the notes she found in Anne’s room, the counselors changed their minds.

At first, Mary had no one outside the family to turn to. She went to the internet and read everything she could find. This was not a topic of conversation at picnics or parties, and Anne looked like a normal teen.

“I had to know what I could or should do and what only God could do. We told her we loved her unconditionally, but she didn’t believe us.”

So, Mary prayed. Sometimes that was all she could bring herself to do. “You can pull yourself together after braces, skinned knees or even a C-section, but it doesn’t work for depression,” she said.

Finally, she found doctors who could treat the depression and prescribe medicine. When Anne felt better, she stopped taking her medication. That sent her into a nose dive, and the whole process of regaining balance began again.

To the casual observer, the family was dealing with a typical teenager, and nobody was talking about it outside the family and among close friends.

“We would get cards from people at Christmas time telling us what their children were doing,” she said. “I was just hoping my daughter would get out of school without getting pregnant or killing herself.”
Mary and her family understand the phrase “the stigma of mental illness.” Part of the time, like any parent, she looked inside herself to see what she had done wrong. “I was constantly trying to replay things, but when you understand mental illness, you understand it’s not about me,” she said.

After more than three years of dealing with their daily challenges — and there were many — Mary found the Karla Smith Foundation. Started two years ago by Fran and Tom Smith when their daughter, Karla, committed suicide, this non-profit organization offers support, education programs, peer-to-peer coaching and awareness events.
Group meetings are held every other week at the Peace Chapel 10101 West Main St. in Belleville for family and friends of those suffering with mental illness.

A support group for family and friends of those who have committed suicide is also held weekly at the same location.
The idea of trying and hoping for a balanced life while living with a child, relative or friend with mental illness struck a chord with Mary. She began attending support group meetings twice a month, and it made a tremendous difference, she said.
Bringing her fears, her frustrations, her hopes and dreams to the table gave her the outside support she needed.
At one of the meetings, Fran Smith said: “You can’t walk for them; you need to walk with them.” And, because you don’t know what will cause an episode, “you walk on eggshells because you don’t know what they’ll do.”
Like the Smiths’ daughter, Karla, several of the people attending the support group have relatives or friends suffering from bipolar disorder. Medicine can help, but when the person, like Anne, feels better, she or he stops taking the medicine. It becomes a vicious cycle for the entire family.

“I appreciate a day when it’s good, but I’m not counting on it,” Mary said.

Anne has been having many good days for the past two years. She lives away, attending college, but her parents continue to stay on alert to intervene when too many bad days take their toll on her, and consequently on them.
“In a perfect world where there’s no stigma against mental illness and people understand it and understand how to interact with someone who struggles with it would have been much easier,” Mary said.
Realizing it is not a perfect world, not even close to one, Mary relies on the support she receives through the Karla Smith Foundation. It has given her hope for a balanced life.

For more information on the foundation, please go to their web site: www.karlasmithfoundation.org.