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Commentary

By Liz Quirin

When Memory Fails

Many family stories begin with “I remember a time … ,” but some stories just disappear from the memories of some of our seniors who show signs of dementia, often Alzheimer’s, one of the most common and truly the most deadly to families. Alzheimer’s can throw routines and daily living into a chaos that may only be survivable with support networks, information, advice and prayer.

A person with Alzheimer’s can’t live alone, and if family members wait a minute, a day, or even a week too long, the results can be disastrous, if not deadly. If mom or dad mistakenly puts the hair dryer in the microwave instead of a cup of water for coffee or tea, the possibilities range from overpowering odors to an explosion or a fire.
What if mom or dad decides to go for a walk without a spouse or caregiver realizing it. After a period of time, an alert goes out and the person, hopefully, is found unharmed. Again, the results might not be just a scare.

When someone very close to you begins to lose their memory or their ability to function, sometimes the process is so gradual that you barely notice it until one day it seems everything has changed. Most of the time, families haven’t studied the disease, joined support groups or investigated home health care to expand their networks. Taking care of an Alzheimer’s sufferer is generally kept under wraps, not part of social conversation outside a support group. After you’ve finally admitted to yourself that you are the parent and no longer the child, it can be frustrating, emotionally draining and depressing for so many reasons. First, you realize that the person who raised you now needs help with the most basic decisions; and second, eventually to admit that you can’t take care of yourself, your own family and care for someone who needs 24-hour supervision.

It’s almost impossible to prepare early enough or anticipate all that you will need to do in these circumstances. And as you care for your loved one with Alzheimer’s, without knowing it, you’re beginning the grieving process because a part and soon all of what makes that person an individual, special to you, will be gone. The wit and wisdom shining from that face and those eyes you know so well will begin to and eventually completely disappear, leaving someone who looks like a mom/dad/aunt/uncle/grandparent, but they’re no longer able to talk to you intelligently, or the worst — they no longer know your name.

Truly heartbreaking. The best thing you can do is get help from a support group in the area, or even better from your parish if it has a ministry to older adults. With so many people stepping into retirement, it would be powerful for parish seniors to gather around families with needs so great to wrap them in the love and caring of “other Christs” as the families travel such a difficult and painful road.